


In Summation: A Satirical Guide to Merlin Series 1

by RebeccaMA (herbaltea_injuly)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Humor, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-25 06:17:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17719712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herbaltea_injuly/pseuds/RebeccaMA
Summary: I wrote this satirical guide after the first series aired and posted it on my (now deleted) LJ. I was not sure if it would still be of interest considering the dark turn the show took in the later series, but I was encouraged to post it. It is written in script form.I personally thought it fit within the aired homoeroticism of the show, but it is debatable whether I pushed Merlin/Arthur (Merthur) further.





	In Summation: A Satirical Guide to Merlin Series 1

**Author's Note:**

> At the time I wrote this AFAIK the term "Merthur" was not in common usage. The tendency was to use Merlin & Arthur for friendship and Merlin/Arthur for "slash".

UTHER: Welcome to Camelot. We are pleased to have you as our guests. I will ignore the fact that your eyes glow red, you have a red horned tail, and you snarl because I never learn from my many past mistakes.

MORGANA: *has a nightmare involving Arthur dying and Camelot being destroyed*

ARTHUR: I will now insult you, Merlin, but you can tell from my expression that I want you around for a long time.

GUEST: *does something really evil involving dark magic*

*Credits Roll*

ARTHUR: *asks Merlin to walk his dogs, muck out his stables, have his shoes mended, put on his armour, have his armour mended, make his bed, bring him some food, sweep his floor, polish his sword, and bring him a partridge and a pear tree as Merlin carefully and with as much touching as possible dutifully dresses Arthur who apparently can't put on his pants by himself.*

MERLIN: *looks like a wounded overworked bear*

GUEST: *Uses magic to create a not very convincing CGI mythological looking creature that will cause sudden death if in the same postcode as a person* 

GAIUS: Merlin, what have I told you about using magic? Only use it once or twice an episode to save Arthur. 

SLASH DRAGON: Merlin! Merlin! You're our man. If you can't do it nobody can.

MERLIN: *visits the slash dragon* 

SLASH DRAGON: When you are an old magician it is your destiny to sound like me is but the truth.

MERLIN: No! My destiny will not involve cryptic mutterings and murdering grammar. 

SLASH DRAGON: Nobody can escape their destiny. Yours involves being with Arthur. You will be together. You will be two sides of the same coin. He will be the ying to your yang. You will be an unusually odd couple. You will be two peas in a pod. You will merge to become an amoeba called Merthur. 

MERLIN: I get it! I get it!

SLASH DRAGON: In order for you to have this destiny you must first secretly use magic to defeat the whateveritis that the Guest is using to threaten Camelot. 

MERLIN: No, you are mistaken even though you have been right the other times.

SLASH DRAGON: It is your destiny.

UTHER: I hate magic. It is evil. Bad. Wrong. Terrible. Horrible. I despise it. I abhor it. I detest it. I do not like magic Sam I am. 

GUEST: *mutters in old English "E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!"*

GWEN: Merlin, I was looking for you. Well, not looking for you. But looking for you. But not you. I mean I wouldn't look for you. I was looking for you.

MERLIN: *doesn't notice that Gwen seems to be tripping over her words... again* 

GWEN: You must be proud of Arthur for being a prat this morning. You are always proud of him. Nobody has told you in five minutes that you are Arthur belong together so I must tell you. But not like that. I am mean definitely not like that. I mean who would want to be with you. I mean who would want to be with Arthur. 

MERLIN: *notices that two people have fallen down dead and have strange marking on their faces*

MERLIN AND GWEN look at each other.

ARTHUR, to UTHER: It has been happening all over the kingdom which I can travel through in an hour by non-magical means defying all laws of physics. 

GAIUS: I cannot think of a scientific explanation. It must be sorcery.

UTHER: I am so glad that I have eliminated all magic from my kingdom. 

MERLIN: *uses magic to hem Arthur's trousers*

MORGANA: *has another nightmare*

ARTHUR: I will go and kill it.

GAIUS: It might not be a CGI monster. It might be a sickness caused by something too small to kill with your mighty sword. 

UTHER: It is too dangerous. I must protect you even though I order you to go risk your life once a week.

ARTHUR: But I have someone watching over me. I have absolutely no idea who it is. I also have my manservant who not only polishes my sword and helps me dress myself and warm up my bed, but will drink poison for me and seems to be around whenever I am in trouble. I am sure that he has no connection to whoever protects me. 

UTHER: I am the King. You will obey me. You never have in the past, but you will now.

ARTHUR: Merlin, get my armour ready and some nice bedding. I am going to go kill a CGI monster. Oh and I also need another pair of trousers hemmed. Make sure you take very careful measurements.

MERLIN: *walks through the courtyard*

RANDOM PERSON: It is your destiny to be with Arthur. You are one. You will be will like two sides of the same cloak.

MERLIN: *continues walking*

FLOWER: You and Arthur cannot ever hate each other. It would be like tea leaves hating water. It is your destiny to join with Arthur to create the next great story.

MERLIN: *helps Arthur with his armour while looking nervous and blushing*

ARTHUR: It is alright Merlin. I know that you never do anything useful in battle, but I will take you along anyway because there is something about you. It is like you are meant for something. To be part of a coin of something. 

ARTHUR and MERLIN ride off together into the sunset to track down the whateveritis.

ARTHUR: I am glad that you are with me, Merlin. Here at the end of all things.

CGI Creature: *appears*

ARTHUR: *banishes mighty sword*

CGI MONSTER: *is not impressed by mighty sword and spits poisonous venom* 

MERLIN: *reaches out his hand and mutters "He's my destiny, bitch" in Old English*

MERLIN: *eyes turn a nifty shade of gold*

CGI CREATURE: *starts dying*

ARTHUR: *thinks that his mighty sword work has something to do with the creature dying*

MERLIN: *smiles in relief before sagging against a tree*

ARTHUR: You really are a useless servant. Just standing there makes you tired. It is not like you were saving me and the kingdom of Camelot again. 

MERLIN: *smiles*

ARTHUR and MERLIN: *ride back into the sunset and home to Camelot.*

GAIUS: You used magic again to save your other half.

MERLIN: *smiles and blushes*

GAIUS: Are you even making a minimal effort to hide your magic or is Arthur still hopelessly clueless?

MERLIN: He's utterly blind. I am glad that you are like a father to me because I seem to be lacking one. 

GAIUS: Eat your dinner. 

MORGANA: *has another nightmare*

NEXT WEEK:  
ARTHUR: *waves sword around*  
GAIUS: Merlin, help Arthur. You are his only hope.  
MORGANA: *has another nightmare*

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to write "brandish" his sword, but after the typo was pointed out to me I decided Arthur banishing his sword worked for satire of the first series and left it in.


End file.
